I just want to not hurt anymore. i've been to the doctors and all they say is i can't do anything for you. so they give me pills of all sorts and i just get cranky and irritated. i'm just sick of it. i hate doing stuff because it hurts. but i hate sitting around not doing anything too. i'm tired of not having friends. i'm such a loser. none of my friends stick around. so i'm usually always alone. i have my baby daddy and thats it. and i'm getting sick of him again. hes fucking living with me again, and he makes me feel guilty about doing anything. and its frustrating. its like dood, you came into my house, and now you control everything? fuck. why did i breed with him. why did i do anything. why was i born. no one wants me around. my kid doesnt even like me. i get that hes still a toddler, but fuck man. i don't know how much more of his meanness i can take. everytime he sees me, he slaps, hits, bites, pulls my hair, pinches or anything. hes always mean to me, and i can't take it. i feel like i'm going to lose my mind. i wish i could. i just want out of the life i started to create for myself, its awful and i hate it, i've tried and tried to make it better, but every fucking time i try to make it better it just gets worse. i'm almost to the point. of why even try? if i'm just gonna get knocked on my ass again. i'm just so tired. i never really get to get a good sleep. my bed sucks. i hate being broke all the time. i just want to get away. i want to run away from everything and just forget everything and everyone and just be alone. go up to the mountains and just take pictures. live until i get too hungry to live then just let whatever happens happen. i'm just so miserable. i never get to get away from here. no one baby sits even though everyone said they would. i hate everything right now. i don't know what i'm going to do.
i'm losing it. and i have no one to talk to. it feels like no one cares that i'm in agony all the time. or that i can't stand anything right now. i'm tired of hiding the fact that i have to cry a lot. because if people saw me cry they'd just make me feel bad for it. i want to get fucked up and feel good for awhile. i know its artificial happiness but atleast its happiness. i never feel that anymore. i don't feel anything good anymore. i only feel the bad pains, the saddness, the anger, the frustration. why don't i get to be happy? i've done so much for other people yet when it comes to me, nothing. i'm just forgotten by everyone. why care about me? why? why should i try? why should i give a damn? ugh. i wish i could just be totally emotionless.
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i'm sorry to hear that First i want to say i'm sorry to hear all the problems your going through. However, there are a few things that you could try that may make your life happier. Life is what you make of it right? So in that case, if my baby slaps and bites me and doesn't respect me, i spank his little ass. No abuse, but a spank, i'm the parent not him. Trust me i know with having two kids, and having your kids respect you and listen will make your life easier just like that. If your baby's daddy wont respect you in YOUR house. Lay down the law in your house, and if he doesn't listen, tell him to get da fuk out. Its your house, its your way. Having a baby sitter is total a dream, if none of your family members would baby sit, maybe it would do you nice, to pay someone 20 bucks one night so you can just get away and watch a movie etc. So you can have some mommy time. Guess what i'm saying there are some things that you can change if you need to, and it sounds like you need to. I'm not counselor but these are my opinions and what I would try to change in my life if I was going through the same shit. I'm sorry to hear this, and I hope life gets better for you. |
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