First, I'd like everyone to know that I feel like a fool for ranting. I'm healthy, am not rich but not poor either, I'm loved by family members, I have the respect of many people, I live in a vibrant community in a great neighborhood and house. My two kids and two grandkids live nearby.
But, I want to take off by myself. I think I'd love a solitary bike ride around the US or a couple of years in a beach community like Key West or Bora Bora. I just want out of my current situation.
My wife had a stroke 18 years ago. She is unable to communicate verbally and is paralyzed on her right side. She needs to wear an ankle-foot orthesis (AFO) in order to walk and cannot put the AFO on by herself. That means that someone has to be with her at night.
A stroke does different things to different people but I've been around enough stroke survivors to know that in most cases, their emotions are affected. For example, my wife laughs louder than she did pre-stroke and she gets angrier and sadder than she did pre-stroke. She also thinks of herself more where before she was concerned more with those around her. She makes sure that she gets the care she needs by unashamedly asking for it (in her own way of course). Believe me, even though she can't talk, she can make herself understood.
It has been 18 years without a night off. I do get away for a few hours at a time but seldom is it guilt-free time away. I have made it clear to her that my health is important because without it, I won't be able to care for her. And, guilty or not, I'll demand my exercise time and get it.
However, I'm getting worn down. We had a disagreement today and I found myself thinking of sitting down with an atty to figure out how I could just take off. I would surrender my rights to almost everything that is legally "ours" and only retain what I would need to survive on if that is what it takes to just leave. I feel like I've had it.
A group counselor asked me once why I stayed after the stroke. My first reaction was that leaving was absolutely not an option and that she would do the same thing for me. The real answer came to me while watching an episode of Dr. Phil. In it he explained to a person in an abusive relationship that she stayed because she was getting something out of it. I asked myself what I was getting out of my wife's and my relationship. The only answer I could come up with was that I stayed because I was being loved by someone. How can one turn their back on that?
